If I Lose Myself
by RainTeaandDragons
Summary: Who do you turn to when you can't even trust yourself? For Natsu there was only one person he could rely on to do what was right before he could hurt anyone he loved. For Gray this was to be the hardest decision he would ever have to make...but when it came to Natsu, he'd do anything.
1. ONE

Listen to the song, 'If I Lose Myself' by OneRepublic, at some point. This whole fic is built around the pain and angst that song makes me feel, especially with this concept in mind.

This has major SPOILERS for those who don't read the Fairy Tail manga, or haven't already read/found spoilers. _You have been warned!_

Enjoy :)

* * *

 **ONE**

" _I stared up at the sun, thought of all of the people, places and things I've loved. I stared up just to see with all of the faces, you were the one next to me._ "  
– _If I lose Myself, OneRepublic_

The silence settled like snow on the grass, cold and unforgiving as three words hung in the air around them.

Etherious Natsu Dragneel.

E.N.D.

As all heads turned towards Natsu, no one noticed Gray turn and run from the group.

Gray's heart thudded painfully in his chest.

 _Etherious Natsu Dragneel._

 _E.N.D._

 _Natsu._

Gray only made it to where the piles of brick and debris met the barren open landscape where the Cube had crashed before collapsing to his knees. The scream that was trying to claw its way out of his throat never made it to the surface. The silence was deafening.

 _I can't kill Natsu._

 _I can't._

 _I can't._

 _I can't._

That was when the scream finally managed to break loose. Twisting and thrashing it shattered the silence, burning up his throat right down to his gut. It settled there, dead weight he couldn't rid himself of.

"WHY HIM!?"

Gray's breaths came in ragged pants, sharp, burning.

 _I promised._

"BUT NOT _HIM_. ANYONE BUT HIM!"

-o-o-o-

Natsu hadn't meant to say it that loudly, but somehow the whole guild had heard and he could feel all eyes on him. His gaze found Lucy; she was just a couple of feet from him, her hands clasped over her mouth, eyes wide, tears brimming.

Lucy choked out a sob, "…but that means," she scanned the group, looking for that familiar mess of dark hair, "Gray…"

Natsu swallowed thickly as he connected the dots. _Gray. Ice-Mage. Rival. Friend. Ice Devil-Slayer. Friend. Ice Devil-Slayer. Friend._ "Where is he?"

"I can't see him…" Lucy frowned.

"He was here before." Erza spoke up, "when you… when you told us what Zeref told you…"

"He must have run." Lucy whispered.

All heads whipped around as the sound of a distant scream reached their ears.

"That has to be Gray." Erza muttered.

Natsu nodded, "I'll go find him."

"No, one of us should probably go." Lucy put a hand on Natsu's shoulder.

"I'm not E.N.D. yet, Gray won't kill me."

"That's not what we mea–" Erza began but a pink tinged blur rushed past her, cutting her off.

It didn't take long for Natsu to find Gray, the Ice-Mage was kneeling at the edge of the crumbling remains of the Cube, Natsu could see he was shaking. "Pull it together Snowflake." Natsu tried to keep his voice steady but failed dismally, unable to keep his voice steady, "I'm the one who could turn Demon at any second…" He chuckled darkly.

Startled, Gray jumped up, "Natsu I–" he stopped, "you shouldn't be here."

"No, Gray, I should." Natsu took a step forward, "this can be fixed…"

"Stop with the optimism Natsu! There is no way this can be fixed." Gray spat the words out angrily.

"There is always a way." Natsu responded calmly.

"Your brother is the _Dark Wizard_ Zeref, he revived you as his most powerful Demon after you died as a child and he now expects you to _kill_ him." Gray recited, "Which would be fine, but I made a promise."

"A promise?"

"I inherited Ice Devil Slayer Magic from my father under the promise to destroy E.N.D."

Natsu stayed silent.

"I can't break my promise, but I can't kill _you_ either." Gray looked down, his hands trembled as he placed them flat on the dirt ground. "I can't kill you Natsu."

"I'm not E.N.D."

"Not yet anyway."

"I don't _want_ to be. Imight not come back if I do change." Natsu voiced the fear which had been digging its way forward from the back of his mind since Zeref had told him the truth. "Becoming E.N.D may take away who _I_ am, I could hurt people, I could hurt my friends. The people I care about!" _I could hurt you._

"You wouldn't Natsu, I know y–"

"I could kill you!" Natsu cut him off, "in that form I could kill you!"

"You wouldn't." Gray looked up, "I know you wouldn't."

"You don't know E.N.D.! No one does! So I need you to promise me something."

"Natsu…" Gray said, a warning in his tone, _I know what you will ask. I couldn't do that!_

"No. Please Gray." Natsu pleaded, "if I do turn, please, you need to kill me before it's too late. Wait for me to destroy Zeref, and then carry out your promise to your father."

"Natsu I can't." Gray couldn't stop the tears brimming in his eyes.

"I don't want to hurt anyone. Please Gray. You're the only one who can stop me."

Finally, Gray nodded, and as he did, the tears began to fall. Thick and fast, they stung hot on his cheeks, before slowly soaking into his shirt.

"Thank you, Gray."


	2. TWO

**TWO**

" _You can feel the light start to tremble, washing what you know out to sea. You can see your life out of the window tonight._ "  
– _If I lose Myself, OneRepublic_

"Ughh, no!" Natsu screamed as an immense heat tore through his chest. The book of E.N.D lay open on the floor in front of Zeref. "This isn't me!" Natsu yelled as he felt the darkness spreading through his chest, trying to infect his mind.

Zeref almost had a look of relief on his face, tears streamed from his eyes as he stared at Natsu.

As the pain became too much Natsu crashed to the floor, pain rocketed through his body from the place where his knees hit the concrete. Another scream of pain was wrenched from his lips as he fell sideways and curled into the foetal position. Natsu's hands reached up to the top of his head, either side at the highest point of his forehead two curled horns had started to grow. The skin on his neck began to rise into pearly scales which spread up to his cheeks and down over his shoulders and arms. From his shoulder blades sprouted two fragile wings, they were dark, torn and tattered but they were undoubtedly wings. Natsu slowly stood, uncurling himself to stand straight, with his back to Zeref he faced the small number of guild members who still remained.

"Natsu?" Lucy whispered staring wide eyed at her friend's transformation. Lucy then looked over at Erza and Gray who looked just as shocked at Natsu's new appearance as she did.

As Natsu looked up his eyes snapped open to reveal his irises were an empty black. All life and passion gone. His voice however was normal, albeit a little rough, "yes?"

"Are you alright?" Lucy asked.

Natsu flexed his fingers, watching as the scales on his hands reflected what little light there was left. "Alright enough…" he replied slowly, "the pain has stopped at least." _I am not, I am not alright. Gray knows it too,_ he offered an unconvincing smile, in the hopes of convincing at least one of them. Natsu risked a glance at the Ice-Mage, he felt his heart thud painfully as he realised his friend looked scared. _Don't be,_ Natsu thought, wishing Gray to hear, _I may have changed, but I still have my mind. For now…_

"You have wings…" Erza trailed off, staring at him in awe, the fear though was still there.

"Do I?"

Natsu's reply was far too calm for Gray's liking; _he is not okay at all, there is no way you can hide that from me Flame-Brain,_ "you do…" Gray replied simply, going along with Natsu's calm act, "and horns."

At that moment Natsu turned back to Zeref, "happy now? I am E.N.D., and I _will_ destroy you."

To everyone's surprise, Zeref smiled, not maliciously, just a small, almost relieved smile. "You will. You are finally ready."

"Ready?" It was then as if a switch had been flicked somewhere in Natsu's mind, he chuckled darkly, "I'm all fired up now!" Natsu's signature line now held none of its original passion and hope, it sounded dark and laced with hatred.

Gray's short intake of breath went unnoticed. _This isn't him._ "Natsu wait!"

"I need to do this!"

"You do this, the act will take your soul." _Or what there is left,_ Gray cried out frantically, clutching at straws, _I can't lose him, not with what I'll have to do if that happens._

"I need to do this! It's Zeref, Dark Wizard Zeref, he needs to die!" Natsu spat the words back at Gray, trying to convince himself as much as anything.

"You don't have to do this yet!" Gray yelled, "Listen to me idiot!"

At this Natsu let out an angry hiss, with a violent flick of his wrist Gray was flung into a nearby pile of crumbling debris. "No. You listen." Natsu spun round, "I am E.N.D.. I will serve my purpose. I will not break my promise to my father." He took a step closer to where Gray trying to push a large chunk of the Cube which had fallen on his leg. Natsu loomed over Gray, staring him down with his empty eyes. "My question is whether or not you'll keep yours…"


	3. THREE

**THREE**

" _If I lose myself tonight, it'll be by your side. If I lose myself tonight, it'll be you and I_."  
– _If I lose Myself, OneRepublic_

Gray's breaths came in shallow pants, despite his fatigue his jumped, narrowly missing E.N.D.'s attack. _I've lost him, Natsu's gone;_ Gray produced an ice-sword from mid-air to block another attack. This time jabbing forward, managing to cut a deep gash in E.N.D.'s left shoulder, _but how do I get him back._

E.N.D. let out a hiss of pain as the ice sliced through his left shoulder; in return he slammed his elbow into Gray's stomach. Using this window of opportunity he shot a bolt of fire in his direction. A satisfied smirk twitched at E.N.D.'s lips as Gray let out an agonised scream. His attack had hit his target.

Gray stumbled back, clutching at his now scorched and bleeding left side, "please Natsu, stop! This isn't you! You need to remember. We fought together not with each other. Not like this anyway!"

"Well this is me now! Get used to it!" E.N.D. sneered.

"No! I won't." Gray replied stubbornly, "please Natsu. Remember! If not for me, then for Lucy, for Erza." _But I care about you too much to let you keep going like this._

"What does that matter? Natsu is dead."

"NO!" Gray yelled, "I care for you too much for that to be true! I know you can hear me Flame-Brain! So wake–" punch, "up!" Gray punched again and watched as E.N.D. stumbled back looking shocked. For a split second Gray noticed something in those dark, empty eyes, it was only for a moment, but he saw light. "Natsu…?" Gray whispered.

"Gray?" Natsu's voice sounded scared.

"Thank god!" Gray took a step forward, but as quickly as the light had appeared it flickered out and Gray watched in horror as a cruel smirk twisted Natsu's lips.

E.N.D. rolled his neck to the side, "sorry about that. I'm back." With that, E.N.D. sent a blazing attack at Gray with just the flick of a wrist. His flames were tainted with darkness, a shadow which had threaded itself throughout the layers.

The attack hit Gray hard, right over where the spot where he'd been hit before. He couldn't help the scream of pain that was torn from his lips. _That was dirty play…well, he is a demon after all._ Gray's scream turned to a yell as he used his pain to run at Natsu producing a multitude of arrow heads which flew straight at the pink haired demon. Some managed to pierce the flesh, but most shattered. Gray followed this with another punch, "hear me! Natsu!"

"That won't work," E.N.D. chuckled darkly, "Natsu is gone."

"No! Natsu you bastard! Get your idiot ass out here!" Gray yelled, "Damnit! I'll tell you how I feel if I have to! I'll remind you of all those times I saved your life or you saved mine! I care, I always have, I just didn't realise until it was too late! We fought together, hell, we fought each other, but if this is going to be our last fight, you may as well show up!" Gray ignored E.N.D.'s harsh laughter, "I'll bring you back! Hear me, Natsu. HEAR ME!" _Please._

There was a moment's silence. Gray didn't even dare breathe. Then suddenly a pulse of pure magic energy radiated out from where E.N.D. stood. His eyes widened in panic as he felt Natsu pushing through. _Oh, no you don't!_ Clinging on to what power he had left, E.N.D. took one last shot at Gray as the Ice Devil Slayer charged forward, a jagged piece of ice extended from his right hand.

Gray had waited only a moment, a hesitation which cost him, but as he saw the fearful, pleading look in Natsu's eyes as he took hold. Gray knew what he needed to do. With a scream of pain he bolted forward, creating a jagged dagger of ice on the end of his right hand. He felt as his weapon hit its target, the flesh gave way to the daggers point as if it were nothing, but Gray felt every shiver of pain as he sank his fist deep into Natsu's chest.

Natsu had pulled E.N.D. back long enough to give Gray a window, he did this though he trusted Gray didn't really need it. Natsu just wanted to feel it himself. That confirmation of death. Death to both him and the demon E.N.D..

As Natsu sank to the ground he felt strong arms around him, guiding him gently to the ground. He tried to speak, but all he managed was a gurgling cough. He looked up into Gray's pale face, taking in his lips, his nose, his eyes. _I never really noticed, him, the real him. I wish I had._

"We were always fighting, Natsu…" Gray whispered, "but I never thought our last fight would end like this…" The pain in his side was worsening but Gray ignored it, Natsu was close to gone, _he can't know._

"Yeah…me dying in your arms," Natsu chuckled, a chocking cough followed soon after, "like anyone saw that coming."

"Don't smile idiot, you're dying." Gray held back a sob as he looked up to see the guild standing on the outskirts of the clearing their attacks had made. So many faces, so many friends. Most had tears streaming down their cheeks. Lucy had her hands over her mouth and was sobbing into Loke's shoulder, while Erza stood resolute, her cheeks were damp, but she seemed to refuse to accept the scene before her.

"Hey, Snowflake." Natsu coughed.

"Hmmm?"

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For killing E.N.D.. You've helped me to die as Natsu." A shaking hand reached up to cup Gray's cheek before slowly falling back with a thud, the effort too much to sustain. "So thank you, Gray."

"Of course," Gray managed a weak smile, he could feel himself losing more blood from the wound in his side, his vision blurred slightly as his head spun, _stay awake, he can't know…_

A small sigh left Natsu's mouth as his eyes slid shut. A ghost of a smile left on his lips.

I loud sob shook Gray to the core as he clung desperately to Natsu's unmoving body. Natsu's head lolled back, his hair resting in the large splatters of blood surrounding them. As Gray took a last shuddering breath he lifted Natsu's face to his own and pressed a light kiss to his forehead. _I kept my promise,_ "Natsu."


End file.
